Thursday, 3 May 2012

Writing the Unspeakable

When Evelyn first approached me to guest blog on her The Bottoms Up Blog, I was honoured. Then, I realised what she was asking me to blog on. She remembered me mentioning on a private facebook group we're both on, that "my #1 fear was that hubbs would cheat on me, even though he's totally not the type" to do so. She wanted me to write about why I have that worry, to Write the Unspeakable!

This got me thinking. For even though I had that fear, I never actually really thought about it. It was something that I didn't want to really talk about, and not even think about, as I strongly feel and believe that one should not dwell on unhappy thoughts. Also, part of this stems from the irrational superstitious fear that if you talk about it, it might happen. That's ridiculous, of course. But that's what superstitions are: irrational and ridiculous.

Why is this my #1 fear? Well, most wives would have this fear, isn't it? No matter how loving the hubby is, how secure the relationship is, there is still this fear, deep down inside us, that "What if?" feeling of  insecurity nestled deep in us... that, what if one day, hubbs sees a nice pretty slim lady (not like fat 'ol blubbery me) and falls for her and decides to leave me and the kids for her?! What will I do?! My children will grow up without a father!? And I will grow old without the father of my kids to share the joy and tribulations of the kids with?! The feeling of being betrayed, of being abandoned... is horrible. It dredges up memories of breakups in the past, though thankfully, my breakups with previous boyfriends were all mutual and not due to a third party's interference. But still, it hurts.

Hubbs is a great guy. He's got a very good heart. He is kind, and has good morals and an all round good man. This was the main reason I got together with him. Back in the day when he chased me and asked me to be his girlfriend, I was pretty and slim and 7 years younger than him. He was balding (still is ;p), a heavy drinker and a heavy smoker (at that point in time. Now he isn't ;p) and he was 7 years older than me. I had a close friend who felt he was "unworthy" of me. But I could see how he had a very good heart. How kind he was, how he had a good character and how good he was with kids, how he genuinely loved kids. I knew that he was one who would be a fantastic father, and that he would take care of me, and that he was one that  I would enjoy growing old with. So I accepted him.

And I was right. 23rd of this month this year marks a full 7 years we've been married, and more than 9 years together as a couple. He is nothing short of being a wonderful husband, a fantabulous father to my three children, and the son my parents never had. My initial assessment of him was correct and I feel blessed that I had decided to take a chance with this man when I agreed to be his girlfriend more than 9 years ago.

But because of his kind nature, of how he feels for the downtrodden and helpless... I fear the day that someone would present themselves (say the woman and her kids?!) to him that they need him to take care of them. And then he will look at me and see this independent woman who is capable of taking care of her own kids, and LEAVE US! Because he knows we can take care of ourselves! And he goes and take care of these, these, these OTHER PEOPLE! This is my #1 Fear. And it strikes fear in my heart just thinking about it.

Does this have an effect on how I treat hubbs? Yes, I think so. I make sure he is very involved in the kids' lives. Thankfully, he wants to be also, so this is easy to do. He is very present, and always participating and actively initiates the activities the kids do. I make sure I tell him that I love him and constantly ask the kids to hug him and say "I love you, Papa!" to him. I consciously reign in my temper and I'm mindful of how our arguments (if any!) play out. It's a blessing that we hardly ever quarrel. But when we do, I try to make it a rational discussion of facts rather than let it degenerate into a mud-slinging contest. I do not believe in mind games or in making assumptions about anything hubbs "should know" or "ought to know" due to "common sense". To me, if I want him to know something, I will say it explicitly to him - in plain simple English, so as to make sure that he understands perfectly, what it is I am saying. So it is this way in any arguments/discussions and so it is in our everyday lives. I feel that this reduces miscommunication all round, and makes for a much more peaceful household.
Now and then, I'd make doe eyes at him and "demand" that he should never love another woman, that he should only love me and the kids. I'd tell him that we need him always, that he has to take care of us, and he cannot assume that we can take care of ourselves even though it may seem that way. All this is said and expressed to him explicitly in words, and hugs and kisses. But especially in words. They always say that women likes to hear sweet nothings? Well, I think men need to as well.

Writing the Unspeakable indeed. I would never have written this for my blog, if not for Evelyn's prompting! Thanks Evelyn!  After reading my draft of this post, it in turn prompted Evelyn to write her thoughts on this fear of spousal cheating as well - go read!


  1. I like the part on "i consciously reign in my temper". I make a mental note of it too, but but but it's just so hard!

    thanks for the reminder... and you certainly brought thoughts from another perspective.

    1. Hi Sin Yee, thanks for dropping by our blog. Yes, it is tough to reign in our tempers, and I constantly need to remind myself too! :)


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